


Rules and laws

by Ellstra



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Rejection, World War II
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-05-20
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-25 21:15:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,824
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1662692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ellstra/pseuds/Ellstra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky loves Steve, it's as plain as that. Steve loves Bucky, but it's forbidden. Can he break a law to love the only person left to him? Not an easy choice and Bucky's patience is not endless either.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules and laws

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this story some time ago, but then I lost inspiration or whatever and almost forgot about it. Naturally though, the Winter Soldier movie wouldn't let me sleep so I started writing this again.

Steve Rogers swallowed a droplet of his own blood that gathered on his lower lip. He blew another punch towards the guy who attacked him and more with luck than aim he didn’t miss. The other guy stumbled backwards for a while and wiped his cheekbone. Steve caught his breath, steadied himself and prepared for another fight. The other man’s eyes shone with hatred and blind fury. Steve wanted to smirk because of how stupid the latter was, but his face was too swollen to let him produce any facial expressions.  


„What do you think you are, you little shit?!“ the attacker growled and tried to hit Steve who dodged aside only a moment before he could get hit. He tried to strike the other man with his elbow, but he didn’t calculate well and his arm went through air.  


„I’ll get ya!“ the attacker snarled and leant into another punch with all his might. Steve might have been smarter, braver and sober, but he couldn’t do anything with a body twice as heavy as his. Huge fist hit his lower stomach hard and he gasped in surprise. His abdomen throbbed with pain and he covered it with his hands. Another punch found his face and he felt his skin tear above his eyebrow. Steve curled and that saved him from a knock to his stomach. Instead, his ribcage shook under hit of another painful, strong punch. He stumbled and before he regained his balance, he stepped into a hole in the road and tripped. He fell down and gasped for breath.  


„Learn your lesson, you son of a bitch,“ the stout attacker gnarled and spat at Steve who curled into a ball in expectation of another punch or kick. Instead the man burst into a fit of laughter, obviously satisfied with himself and turned around. Such long and complicated speech had worn him out so he staggered away and giggled from time to time.  


Steve moaned as he rolled over on his stomach and pulled himself on his knees. He spat some blood on the concrete underneath and closed his eyes for a while. His head hurt and the blood from his torn forehead creeped into his mouth. All his insides burnt as if he’d just drank a glass of gasoline and swallowed a blazing candle. He forced his eyelids to raise and stood up with effort. He walked, slowly and with pain in every fiber and he hoped he could make it to Bucky’s flat before he fainted.  


From time to time he leant against a house or lamp, but finally he reached his destination. He raised his arm and more with his memory than sight searched for the right buton to ring the bell. He pressed it and fell on the other side of the door. After some time, his best friend appeared in the doorway.  


„Steve! What have you – Nevermind. Just come on inside, we’ll fix you up.“ Bucky exclaimed and caught Steve who collapsed into his arms and remained there gratefully. Bucky half dragged, half carried Steve into his flat where he laid his friend on the couch.  


Steve recognized the familiar cushion and tried to smile. He’d recovered from many fight-injuries on this couch and he would do it again. With Bucky, he was safe. Bucky’s place was nice and comfortable and reminded him of the house he and his mother had lived in when he was a little child.  


In the meantime, Bucky got some towels and a bucket of warm water because he didn’t have any better container. It was kind of their inside joke, even though Bucky wasn’t overly happy when he had to pull the bucket out of a drawer beneath a wash-basin in his bathroom. He carried all he needed to the living room and kneeled down beside Steve who forced his eyes to open.  


„Another guy who needed to be taught a lesson?“ Bucky asked and wiped the blood from the right side of Steve’s face, rinsed and wrung out the towel. Rogers watched his own blood swirling in the water. When Bucky washed Steve’s face, he spotted the long wound above Steve’s right eyebrow and he frowned.  


„This will need stitches. It’d be better if we got you into a hospital-“ Steve shook his head – „I know, nobody can find out you’re getting into fights. I’ll sew it up.“ Bucky sighed and went to get something to fix Steve’s face. He sat down, pulled some thread through the eye of a needle and gave his friend a pitiful smile.  


„You know it’s gonna hurt, right?“ he asked and jabbed the needle into Steve’s skin as the latter nodded. Rogers tried to remain calm and silent while Bucky tried to work quickly and well at once. When he tied the last knot and cut the thread off, Steve let out a shaky breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding. Bucky smirked.  


„You know, I could’ve made it much more painful if I wanted,“ he pointed out and Steve gave him a lopsided smile as one side of his face refused to move. Bucky’s careful fingers dwelled on Steve’s cheek for a little longer before letting go. It made Steve’s heart twitch.  


„I’ll take the shirt off to see what happened to your stomach since you’re holding it so firm, okay?“ Bucky asked gently and moved his hands down to the buttons of Steve’s shirt. He’d always received persmission to do what he asked and he felt a bit guilty and ashamed for not telling Steve the whole truth. It was necessary to take Steve’s shirt off to examine his injuries, Bucky kept convincing himself.  


„It hurts,“ Steve whimpered and Bucky bit his lip before he pulled his friend’s hands from their tight grip. He hated when he had to see Steve like this.  


„I know. I’ll try to make it quick, okay?“ Bucky felt his fingers were trembling when he used them to unbutton Steve’s shirt. The shorter man just nodded and tried to be brave. Bucky pulled the front side of the shirt from Steve’s chest and he sighed. His friend looked so fragile and all the bruises just proved it. Bucky probed each of Steve’s ribs and found out that neither of them was broken with relief. He couldn’t do anything with the dark bruises already forming of his friend’s pale form.  


„I’ll bring you a glass of water before we continue with this, okay?“ Bucky stood up. Steve nodded and tried not to reach or call for the other man. The former went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water for himself before refilling it. He returned to the living room and knelt down again.  


„I need you to sit up so I can have a look on your back,“ Bucky said and Steve started to lift himself up. Bucky helped him and slowly took the shirt off his shorter friend before giving him the water.  


„Well, you‘ve been through worse. You’ll be alright. I think,“ Bucky said uncertainly and Steve lay down again. His eyes felt heavy and he fought urge to yawn.  


„That’s good,“ he mumbled and rested the glass on his stomach. It was cool and he felt comfortable just lying there beside Bucky. The latter wasn’t that pleased with the situation, though.  


„Hell, Steve, don’t you realise how awfully selfish you are?“ he spat suddenly and glared at Steve who gave him a puzzled look.  


„Don’t you dare look at me like this! You think I’ll forgive you as always just because of your innocent blue eyes, right? Well, not now.“ Bucky stood up and paced through the room like a lion in a cage. Steve put a lot of effort into sitting up. He thought that he may have understood what Bucky meant if only his head stopped spinning.  


„Bucky, I don’t-“ he started but his friend stopped him.  


„No you don’t. Of course not!“ he yelled and went close to Steve. „You have no idea what it does to me every time you come here beaten into pulp and I have to take care of you.“  


„Well, you don’t have to take care of me,“ Steve responded and even though he tried to sound angry, he felt hurt when he said those words. Of course Bucky didn’t have to nurse him. But Steve hoped that Bucky might have been doing it because he liked him.  


„That’s not the point. Besides, if I didn’t, who’d sew your forehead tonight, hm?“ Bucky let the answer linger in the air for some time to make Steve feel sufficiently bad. „You don’t realise what you mean to me, do you?“  


Steve stared blankly at his friend whose expression softened. They watched each other for some time and Bucky gave up and knelt down again. He sat down on his heels and took Steve’s hands into his, giving them some of his body warmth.  


„Steve, you can’t do this to me. I don’t want to command you or tell you what you should or shouldn’t do, but I can’t stand this anymore. Don’t you know how difficult it is for me?“ Bucky whispered, his sight never leaving Steve’s hands.  


„I don’t – didn’t…“ Steve babbled, „I’m sorry, Bucky.“  


„Don’t be. Just promise me to never do this to me again.“ The kneeling man said and lifted his eyes towards Steve’s.  


„I won’t. I promise.“ Steve replied solemnly.  


„Good.“ Bucky sighed. „Good. I wouldn’t want to lose you.“  


„Neither would I. And I won’t allow that to happen.“ Steve said and squeezed Bucky’s hands.  


„Steve I… I like you.“ Bucky confessed and draw himself closer the other man.  


„And I like you, Bucky, you’re my best friend.“ Steve said, perplexed why his friend made such a deal of it.  


„No… I mean, I really do like you, more than a friend…“ Bucky’s cheeks flushed and he leant even closer to Steve.  


„Oh,“ Steve responded. That was all encouragement Bucky needed. He bridged all the distance between their faces and stopped right before Steve’s face. His big bright eyes were shining and full of expectation and curiosity. Bucky brushed his lips against Steve’s and waited. The latter didn’t react, he just sat there, rigid and motionless. When he wasn’t immediately slapped in the face or yelled at, Bucky kissed Steve once more, this time letting his mouth pressed against the other’s for a little longer. Rogers yet didn’t move, but his heart did – his heartbeat was so fast and strong it was very palpable even in just his hands. Bucky hoped it was a good sign. He disentagled his right hand from Steve’s grip and placed it on the latter’s neck and pulled him closer. Steve – as if suddenly waken up from trance – kissed back clumsily. Bucky’s heart skipped a beat.  


He placed his other palm on Steve’s shoulder, careful not to hurt his friend. He nipped at Steve’s lower lip gently, but backed away immediately. He didn’t want to scare the other man. Steve took Bucky’s shirt into his hands and pulled up, much to astonishment of both. Bucky obeyed his will and crawled up onto the couch and sat on Steve’s lap, bending his legs on either side of Rogers. Steve’s eyes flew opened and stared at Bucky as if searching for help. The latter smiled and kissed him gently on the forehead. That calmed Steve down a bit and he let Bucky take control over the situation. Their mouths met again and now the kiss was more lustful than before. Steve didn’t cease to feel scared of how much he wanted to touch Bucky and be touched in response, but his friend kept reassuring him and convincing him that what they were doing was right.  


But deep down, he knew it wasn’t. It had nothing to do with Bucky, because Bucky was perfect and Steve wanted him to kiss every single inch of his body. The problem was that even if Bucky was perfect and Steve wanted nothing more than him, he couldn’t want him, he wasn’t allowed to. Steve knew that what they were doing was forbidden and wrong. But if it was wrong, why did it feel so good? Steve moaned into their kiss as Bucky’s fingers trailed down his back. They both shivered at the sound, froze for a moment and began kissing with even more passion and eagerness than before. Steve felt something waking in his chest and stomach and suddenly he knew that no matter how alluring it was, he couldn’t let it wake. If he did, he would be lost forever.  


But it felt like fighting against himself. Bucky’s hands on his back were warm and he felt safe. His body hurt from the fight, but it didn’t matter because Bucky was there to heal him. His body wanted to be embraced and held and it didn’t matter what anybody else would think because it was only between Bucky and himself. But it was forbidden. It was a law and how could he break a law? It was tempting and darkly seductive, but Steve knew better than to break rules.  


So why did it seem like his body was made for Bucky’s? Why did he feel happy when he pulled their bodies closer and allowed Bucky’s tongue to invade his mouth? Was anybody testing him, for some reason? Steve didn’t want to know that. He just wanted to get rid of the spark in his chest – it could either die or develop into an inferno and burn him. But he hated the state in between. As his fingers trembled because of how overwhelmed he felt, as his heart beat fast in his chest and Bucky was all over his body, he knew he had to kill the spark and let it just glow inside of him. He hated himself for it, but what could he do? He wasn’t going to break laws.  


„Bucky, stop. Please,“ he mumbled and pulled away. Bucky let go of him immediately.  


„Sorry. Did I hurt you? Are you in pain?“ He asked and tried to see through the sadness in Steve’s eyes.  


„No, you didn’t hurt me. And I do care deeply for you, Bucky. I love you. I love you in a way I shouldn’t love you and it hurts me that I can’t give you what you want.“ Steve whispered and even though he wanted to remove his fingers from Bucky’s back, he was very reluctant. He knew this was the last time he could get the touch and even though he shouldn’t have been getting more, he didn’t pull away.  


„What? What are you talking about, Stevie?“Bucky sounded alarmed and tried to understand the latter’s words.  


„I love you, Bucky. You have to remember that forever. I love you.“ Steve repeated as if his whole life depended on it. „But I can’t love you. I mustn’t love you.“  


„Why?“ Bucky asked.  


„Because it’s forbidden. And I can’t love you when I’m not allowed to,“ Rogers explained, painful expression on his face.  


„Why? That’s ridiculous. If you love me and I love you, whose permission do we need?“ Bucky reeled a strand of Steve’s hair on his finger to calm himself down.  


„But it’s the law. We can’t break a law.“ Steve said weakly.  


„I don’t care. Laws are supposed to make good and guard people. If we love each other and we know we would be happy together, why does anybody take this away from us. Whom does our love harm?“ Bucky asked passionately. He stood up to feel more superior as if it could win this arguement.  


„I don’t know.“ Steve whispered. He looked down on his hands, now empty and cold. „But if it is the law, I will not break it.“  


„I can’t believe it. Do you realise what you said?“ Bucky crossed his arms on his chest angrily.  


„I do. Very much. But I can’t do it. If it is forbidden by the law, I can’t do it, no matter how much I want.“  


„Nobody has to find out. It can be our secret. There are men who are together and they’re happy.“ Bucky made one last desperate attempt, but he knew he couldn’t break Steve. Nothing was as strong as Steve’s sense of order and belief that rules were everything.  


„I don’t want to love you when I’m not allowed to, Bucky. I can’t. If I can’t have you fully, I don’t want just a part of you.“ Steve reasoned and reached for his shirt. He got dressed quickly and stood up, still feeling a bit dizzy.  


„I don’t know if I love you or hate you for saying that.“ Bucky muttered.  


„You can figure that out now. Thanks for helping me. Good night, Bucky.“ Steve said and left Bucky’s flat without further word or gesture. And he felt like he left part of himself inside.


End file.
